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lost hopes
Saturday, April 26, 2008, 8:46 PM
those tears couldn't be controlled;yet i really tried.
it's just a competition,
you may think?
but it's really important for me.
to me.
it's basically my life.
i don't mean that my words are that good,
but i can't believe it.
no, it can't be.
those praises,
that high hope,
all comes to one thing inthe end-
nothing.
till now,
i'm trying to figure out,
why did i lose?
are my words that sucky?
suck._.
i'm really gonna lose hope soon,
yet there's another competition,
waiting for me,
next thurs.
what will the outcome be?
one of the 23 ppl who win?
will i?
throught the selection round,
i should really be grateful,
cos i actually got in._.
but nothing much to hope for,
yea?
it's like only 1% chance of winning.
& i really did try,
to fight back those tears.
i need comfort.
now.
seriously.
the bitter taste of tears,
it just had to slip out.
flow out.
STOP IT.
can't i try to stop?
now my eyes sore,
from all that crying.
cos i'm really sad.
can you comfort me?
i don't know what i'm doing,
but i really can't pretend i'm okay,
and start congratulating you.
cos i really wanted that so badly,
yet it feels like,
the whole world crashing down on me,
when i lost.
i really don't mean my words are nice,
but they aren't that bad too?
so why?
why didn't i get that?
somebody just explain that to me.
so now, lost hope,
confused,
mixed feelings,
i don't know what to do.
competition next thurs,
i don't want to go through all that,
again.
all that misery,
crying,
confused thoughts.
on one hand,
i should be congratulating you.
on the other hand,
should i be sulking to myself?
you just don't understand,
how much the competition means to me.
don't you?
people said the words are nice,
and it improved a lot.
so what?
it won't get me anything.
so in the end,
it all comes back to the same old thing.
losing.
& i really tried controlling those tears.
i'm serious.
i'm sorry it just had to drop.
you think i want it?
no.
i don't want to lose again;
i don't want to go through all that pain,
fighting those tears,
watching you go on stage,
getting that prize,
sitting down there,
clapping for you.
hopes are high,
too high sometimes.
but i really don't want to,
cry again.
Labels: mixed feelings...